Firstly I would like to apologise for not posting in so long.

Like many of us with a mental illness we have good days and bad, for me it has been good moments and a lot of bad. Dealing with the normal stresses christmas creates is hard enough,making sure you have gifts for everyone, just finding the money alone for such a feat is bad enough.

Then there is the requirement to have a with family, in my case it is only with my in-laws,my mother died 6 years ago and was very big on christmas she spent thousands of dollars on decorations for her home, she had a massive christmas display village and would always cook all the traditional meats and I would be expected at her house for christmas day, my father I talk to on christmas day but we do not spend it together. This was the first year in years that I have missed my mother.

In one of my high good moments I had decided that christmas lunch with the in-laws would be at my place. My stress levels and anxiety had already started to increase before I made this decision, on top of having money worries,, facing another christmas without my daughter to be here for it, I had to cook a christmas lunch. I tried to keep it simple as possible but it still took a day to prepare.

the weeks leading up to christmas my PTSD kicked in I was having constant flashback of my mother and daughters death. Living those experiences is hard enough, reliving them constantly is worse and going through all that I did leading up to those events was a nightmare.

So here I am a week before christmas almost constant flashbacks, anxiety over christmas and how I was going to get everything cooked in time while at the same time keep the house cool( summer here) while everyone was here, how I was going to keep the peace for everyone, clean the house, visit my daughter. I was not sleeping well or coping the best so I started to take my PRN to help with the sleeping

One day I realised my solution to at least one of my problems I needed a plan, so that is what I did I wrote a schedule for my husband and I of what needed to be done and on what days spelling out everything that needed to be done.

Christmas turned out to be one of our best, each of my personalities got a gift, we visited my daughters lookout where we scattered her ashes and we brought her spirit home for the day, both my husband and I were able to do things with her we had never done before with her, hubby played a video game that he would have enjoyed with her, I saw her running around the house while we cooked and together we worked on preparing the meal for the next day.

IT REALLY WAS A GOOD DAY.

But things did not stay that way, I was heading for depression and within a few days I wanted to run away at least a couple of time. I am never suicidal because I have a strong belief as to the effects it would have on a family members that I leave behind but I do harm myself by doing things such as taking to many laxatives hoping I will lose weight from it or I want to run away both of which I have done in the last week.

with the holiday my psych and physiologist are both on holidays and my gp is closed on weekends so I had no one to turn to, I increased my anti depressant and found out yesterday it was the wrong medication to increase as I was already at max dosage but she did tell me which one to increase if I am not coping and since I woke again at 2am after waking several times already I think I need to take it.

I did have one positive this week I want for a 90 minute hike to see some waterfalls and I finished the walk feeling empowered and for the first time in over a year like my old self.

both my husband and myself have been noticing changes in my host personality, I now like to play video games, I eat chicken salt and I can stomach eating more than a very mild chilli all these things are not normal for the host personality, though we have no reason why.

 

this has been a very frustrating time for me, now I am no longer on the mania high I struggle with everything, it takes me several attempts to do a simple task like opening the front door when I know what keys to use I can’t work it out, driving the car can be dangerous if I am not concentrating enough, i trip/fall/crash into everything, cooking a simple meal I struggle with and food seems to prefer my clothes than my mouth. Even like doing my art or craft I can’t seem to sit and do longer than 10 minutes, like Lego for an 8-year-old I can’t work out. I have all these started projects around my house just waiting for me to finish

 

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