My Dearest Emma,

Sorry It has been so long since I have written so much has happened.

At the end of last year it became impossible for me to write without chronic pain, So I had to stop writing including your story.

Not only did we lose pop in September last year but we also lost Sabrina 20 days after your birthday which just made the beginning of the year extremely hard

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Christmas was hard as always without you with us.

Just before christmas I started working on a book review blog and loved it, found a place where I belonged.

I had decided for your second birthday we were going to have a party in your honour. I had it all planned out even a beautiful cake made and I just couldn’t do it, your second birthday became too much for me, I totally fell apart, it was like I had just lost you I was on the lounge I could not move, eat or drink your father had to force me to use the bathroom and to at least drink. ON your birthday it was a little easier, I had already cancelled your party and it was just your dad and I

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Your father and I started talking early February about what the value of the house was since all through the street people were selling and town houses were being built.

Well we had 2 agents come out and were surprised at how much money we could make off a house that was in serious need of repairs. So with a little superficial work on the house and gardens from your father and grandparents the house went on the market 1st March 2017. With a massive clean out of the house getting rid of everything that we did not want to move. All your large babies stuff I gave to Jacqui for her grandson but all your personal items I am not ready to get rid of yet and may never get rid of them. They are in a bag stored away

At this time we decided we were going to move closer to you so that we could visit you any time we wanted with a short drive.

There were 2 couples that placed offers on the house and we got almost what we wanted, which means we were moving and that the debts we had would be paid off, we could buy some new furniture and kitchen appliances that we wanted. We also talked about taking a holiday.

I had also decided to enrol in university again this time bachelors of arts in creative writing

I decided that since my driving capabilities were limited to less than an hour without pain by this stage that I would resign from work, that was not the only reason there were many and the need for a change I had felt for a while. But when the organisation moved Jacqui from the site I knew I had to get out of there. Things were just not the same, I was not the same person anymore, I needed to branch out and expand my wings. I simply could no longer do my job with my injury, I could not drive or do manual labour, siting/ standing for long periods were painful, I could not use a computer.

With the house now having a deposit on it and me cleared to do some driving we started to look around Springwood for houses, they were either too small, not right or we got knocked back. We spent a month on weekends going back and forwards to the mountains looking at houses and nothing was happening. At the same time there were delays on the sale of the house, the new owners wanted valuations done and approved before they would put the deposit down.

Finally your father and I decided to look further up the mountains at Hazelbrook, Luera and Katoomba. The first place we looked at again was too small and I found one at Katoomba we put in an offer for rental with rent in advance and waited. we kept looking, by this stage I had finished work and was packing what was left of the home to pack. Making trips up the mountains to look at houses.

We put in 2 applications at Katoomba for houses and got the first one, moved in the 13th April 2017. ONce the main stuff was unpacked and the house somewhat organised I had to have  you out with us and i found the perfect spot everyone can see you and has to walk past you

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I can tell you its been almost a month since I finished work and I am loving the break. I am focusing on improving my health because all year I was always since. But I am at peace-loving the mountains, it is colder but calmer. We live close like 5 minutes drive to your uncle Gary and Aunt Helen and have already seen them a few times. Benny loves the cats especially Marty who is only yesterday started to come out of hiding during the day.

Your father and I plan to go to America for a couple of months, a massive trip with many destination and special friends we have made on Facebook we will be visiting. For me it is 3 ladies that over the years I have become close with and want nothing more than to spend time with them for real, they really do mean a lot to me and have helped me when times have been tough. There is another but she will have to wait till I visit London.

Yes your father and I are going to look into doing more travel not just America, but London next year and maybe Europe or Mediterranean the year after, none of those trips will be as big as America.

For my future I just want a simple part-time job around Katoomba a few days a week, I doubt I will go back to disabilities, I wont be looking for a job till back from the trip and I have my neck fixed.

Around where we live is steep hills everywhere so from next week I plan to start walking to build up my health and maybe in the summer start some brush walking.

Education wise, once I return from the trip I will start Uni again and focus on that while dedicating a couple of days/ hours to the blog also.

Just before we moved your dad and I went to a night market and there was a clairvoyant there, I said very little but finally I was able to hear from you and I know your message was for me to stop blaming myself and that it was not your time and I accept that it just does not take away the pain of not having you in our lives. I have pleased to know you were with my mother and my grandfather, I am sure he is spoiling you. I accept my mothers message and understand that.

I also except that you chose to go instead of coming to this world with health and medical problems, you chose to sacrifice y ourself so that I did not have a life time of suffering and stress while watching you deteriorate. I thank you for that, I know your time with me was far from easy. It was always a question daily if you were going to make it and i refused an autopsy to find out if there was actually something wrong with you because I did not want your perfect body marked in any way.

I have been finding the last few days hard and I cry a lot because you are not here and i miss you and what i would be teaching you, watching you grow.

I just decided that I need you in the bedroom where you can be the last thing I see at night and the first thing I see

 

I really think this move your for dad and me will be the best thing. I hope to in the next week or so get back into my writing and get your story written. I feel like your father and I can finally let go and move forward, not that we will ever forget you, you willl always be a part of us, you make us who we are today.

In the next few weeks I plan to have your tattoo done so that I have you with me as i travel America.

The next time I write will be about America.

 

Love always your Mum

 

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