Leading up to your birthday has been very hard on your father and I
It started to hit me on Wednesday afternoon on my way home from work, lucky I caught the train that day, I cried all the way home I couldn’t stop it. That today would mean yet another year we have to spend apart. That I can’t watch you as you sleep in your bed or hear you wake and toddle into my room this morning to wake me so I could give my big girl a cuddle and kiss and wish you happy birthday. Watch you wake your daddy by jumping on him.
To give you a special birthday breakfast what ever you want, clean you up and dress you for your party. Where all the family would be gathered to wish you a happy birthday as your cousins and friends play with you and spoils you rotten like the princess you are and watch you open all your presents with all the princesses, fairies and unicorns a special little girl could want.
These are the things you would have had if you had been here. We were going to have a small party in your honour I even had a special fairy cake made for you, but I just could not face beeping around company.
Instead Thursday I fell apart, I just could not motivate myself to do even the simplest of tasks like going to the toilet, eating or drinking your father had to make me do these things making sure he took care of me when I couldn’t.
The last time I felt like this was the days following when I lost you when all I wanted to do was give up, I wanted to again, just so I did not have to go through the agony of your loss year after year.
Yesterday I spent it with hardly any sleep as I basically relived every moment of the day before I lost you when. Knew something was wrong and the hospital really didn’t listen. So I have spent the last two days crying hoping that one soon this will get easier to cope with.
For us having Christmas then your birthday so close together is so hard, we have a double wammy missing you on two big occasions so close together.
But expect for my brief relapse I have become stronger and it is you that have done that, through my pregnancy with you and then loosing you I have seen that no matter what, I may get so low I want to give up but I never do and I have you and your father to thank for that.
.Because without you your father and I would never have faced our greatest challenges life could give us. It made us stronger as a couple, we had to be there for each other and help each other through this experience. Your father has been an amazing strength and support for me. I have had to face my mental illnesses and deal with them instead of saying yes I have them and do nothing about it. Now I ask questions not just of the professional team around me but of myself, why should I hide who we are, there are benefits to my mental illnesses I a, sure of this just as much as there are challengers. I now know I can face them head on and make it through the tunnel.
So today your father and I visited again your resting place, left your present another unicorn, a pick bear, pink dog in a purse and a piece of your birthday cake
We both are finding it hard to control our emotions along with our tounges. We are both hurting so much and I really don’t know how to be your fathers strength when there is nothing in me I am barely holding on to myself. But this is our new reality