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Dearest Emma

I will continue with your story throughout the week but I want to share with you what your father and I have been up to this weekend.

I started a 4-week online course in photography that looks at healing through photography and this week’s assignment was storytelling and self-portraits. As you can guess I hate having my photo taken at the best of times but I really wanted to do this course and hopefully learn something about myself.

 

So yesterday I shocked your daddy in the middle of the day and said get dressed we are going to the River, that I want to take pictures and I want him to take pictures of me for the course well I shocked him again he didn’t listen to me during the week when I had talked about the course.

 

So off we went to the Nepean River and had some fun both your daddy and I took turns taking photos of each other. I looked at leaves. Laid down surrounded by leaves and closed my eyes and just listened, I even decided I was going to roll down the hill just like a kid would and can I say it was so much fun you would have laughed at your mummy’s antics at the end of this I just laughed and your daddy got it all on film.

 

Well your daddy decided that he wanted to be a monkey or pretend to lift weights using the tree branches and swinging off them. Can I just say he looked so funny doing it I just had to laugh at him.

 

Yesterday we decided we were going to Manly for the day. The weather was perfect except for the back burning haze over the city. We caught a train to the city of which your daddy fell asleep, I relaxed and read during the trip.

 

We caught a ferry to Manly and just stood outside relaxing, enjoying the view and taking photos. After a while your daddy started to get a little sea sick and had to go inside. There was even an old sailing ship on the harbour that we both took heaps of photos of. I enjoyed taking photos of the churning of the water as the ferry moved through the water. I came to realise that I love waiting churning water and it came to me why, its because its like emotions water can be still and calm so can emotions or water can be busy and frothy just as emotions can be chaotic.

We arrived at Manly and walked around taking photos of anything and everything while just being there and talking about nothing of importance just reconnecting with each other and tried to decide what to have for lunch which was hard I wanted fish and chips on the beach but we decided on kabab meat and chips.

 

We finally made it to the beach and daddy reminded me it probably wasn’t a good idea to bring the big camera out to take photos as someone might report us. So I closed my eye and was just there not really thinking of anything but just being in the moment taking in the noises of the people and the ocean and finding a calm that I have not experienced in a very long time. I would have to say since at least I was pregnant with you.

 

After a while we headed home and daddy fell asleep again on the train.

 

But there was a lesson in this weekend and that was

 

No matter how hard we try to have a structured routine at home and work to keep us from falling of precarious balancing act of not falling apart after your loss. We need to change it up more often and not hide behind our avoidance tactics and do something we both can enjoy and relax to. You will always mean the world to us no matter how many rainbows we have you will always be their big sister, but we need to be gentle with us and remember we are in this together and together we will find our way

 

Love Always

Mummy

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